Tag: Children

Why do so many foster children need to be the youngest in the house hold? Is it a deal breaker?

Question by Erica: Why do so many foster children need to be the youngest in the house hold? Is it a deal breaker?
Over the past seven years my father and step-mother have adopted four children. I would like to grow my family the same way, only I already have a toddler of my own and I plan on having at least one more baby. Many of the children’s descriptions on photo-listing sites state that the child should be the youngest in the house-hold. Why is this? And is it a “deal breaker” or could I still be concidered?
Sorry, what I should have said is that the descriptions state that the child should be the youngest child OR only child in the home.

Is it possible that such a statement means that the child is harmful towards younger siblings?

Best answer:

Answer by Md8kn
in my view i think it is for the support and nurturing which older siblings can provide for the younger ones in the family…it should be remembered i feel that many if not the majority of children up for fostering or adoption are in this position due to a family crisis or problem which may have left them physically, emotionally or phychologically marked, also they may themselves be only children. Also the considered needs of the parents ability to meet the care needs of a larger family is looked at for the same reasons. I would think though that unless the child information states it the options are open because there are so many older children who desperatly need this support also so i would not prosume you would be excluded at all ….. hope this helped and good luck with such a worthwhile and rewarding venture.

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Q&A: Facts about foster children?

Question by : Facts about foster children?
ok can you give me some info for relitives on things about foster children like what they would ask you.
also if you live in 1 state and a foster children that seems right for you is in a diffrent state can you still be their fost parent?
by state to state i mean like massachusets and new hampshire
also how much does it cost to adopt?

Best answer:

Answer by Kristi Howard
Your second question is easier, so I’ll answer it first.

YES, you CAN adopt a child that seems like a match from another state, but most states will frown on that idea until you exhaust a certain amount of time waiting for a match in your state.

BE VERY WARY of photolistings from other states. I KNOW how hard that is. But the sad reality is that most of the children you see on photolistings are considered the hardest children to place…having gone through multiple placements or have lots of trauma or abuse that need better qualified parents that the state hasn’t found for them, hence trying a photo listing to give a home for those children.

Your first question…it’s kind of vague. Are you meaning that you want information to give to your relatives, like what they (social services) would ask them?

If that is the case, they’ll ask them all about you, and even if they feel you would make a good parent. They’ll ask if you have any criminal record you haven’t mentioned, how well you pay your bills, how invested you seem to be in having children.

Now, if you twist this question the other way I took it, dealing with the foster children’s relatives…well, I can only go by what brief experiences I have had with a quick email meeting with my kid’s aunt.

She basically was just thrilled to hear from us, wanted to know how the kids were doing, and gave addresses should the kids decide to write them, etc. There’s really not much you can do or ask in that situation.

I don’t have much experience in the “foster” side of things, because even though we were foster/adopt parents, our kids were placed with us as an adoptive placement, meaning that they were placed with us with the sole intention of adoption, and after the waiting period, we were legally allowed to adopt them.

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Bed Times and House Rules For Your Foster Children

At first glance, bed times and house rules may not seem to be vitally important if you’re just starting out as foster parents. Bedtime may be somewhat of an afterthought and house rules may be something that you plan to make up on the fly. But bed times and house rules can save your foster child’s life by helping her learn the fine art of taking care of herself and how to arrange her life with boundaries and an organized approach to doing self-care.


House rules should be in place from the moment a foster child arrives on your doorstep. These rules should be a microcosm of society.  In other words, they should reflect societal values and be geared at helping the people living in your home be safe and harmonious. House rules keep everyone safe and happy in ideal situations. They are meant to give every person in the home the space they need to unwind and digest the goings-on of the day. Don’t overlook the creation of house rules as an important piece before foster children are placed in your home.


House rules should take into account your needs as well as the needs of other children living in the home. For example, it may be appropriate to have an “open door” rule in your home, where you don’t allow children to close their doors all the way (depending on the circumstances of the children living with you). If a door is closed part of the way and left open a crack, it should be a house rule to knock before entering. As the foster parent, you should also knock before entering your foster child’s room.

Setting boundaries like this can help kids learn how to cope with the world outside better and experience the feeling that they have space to have their own thoughts in a safe environment without announced interruptions.


Curfews are an excellent example of house rules. Curfews are definitely enforced to keep kids safe. We once had a 16-year-old boy who refused to come home on time and meet curfew. When he would arrive home, he would give us a list of excuses for arriving late. So we cracked down on him and provided him with a typed list of consequences that would happen in response to his inability to meet curfew and follow other house rules. He was extremely upset at us for exerting control over the household and as soon as we made it clear to him that we were in charge, we realized how out of control he was and how he was being controlling toward us. By reasserting our authority, we felt like we were in charge of the house again and suddenly the power struggles were quelled (at least for the time being).


As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes birth parents will try to usurp your power to enforce house rules like bedtime, for example. But house rules can help you maintain your sanity and help create harmony with the children who live there. I like to think of house rules as though they function like gravity. Gravity is a law of nature that keeps the planets in alignment. Sure, gravity is inconvenient at times, but it keeps the solar system from imploding. House rules are should function like gravity. They may be inconvenient but they help the individuals in the family work together harmoniously.


Harmony is one of the biggest reasons why house rules are so important for foster children and all children for that matter. It’s really hard to “teach” kids how to work harmoniously with others. It’s a lot like balance in that way. You can’t read a child a book about balance and expert her not to fall down. You can’t give a child (or an adult) a book to read on “harmonious relationships” and expect for that person to be able to actually create harmony in relationships because they read the book. Harmonious relationships must be practiced. Children will watch you enforce house rules and make observations about the comfort in your home…the harmony that exists there because of your willingness to lay down the law. They will observe the effects your actions and then have the opportunity to implement similar strategies in their own lives and relationships. It is through constant tweaking and attention that your house rules reflect the needs of the children and adults who reside there and by adhering to these house rules, you are teaching your foster children important lessons.


House rules do more than just teach your child healthy behaviors, they also teach your child how to interact with others in intimate family relationships. The delicate interplay of needs that your house rules reflect is something that your foster children can tune into and learn from to use in their own families when they grow older.


By Carlo kruzian:- Foster Parenting, Foster children

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Thoughts on The Adoption of Older Children

It’s very strange to know things about some of your kids so easily because you have been there since their beginning or since very near their beginning, but not know things about another of your children.  Awhile ago, we were in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and there was a baby girl walking around and the other moms were marvelling at how she was walking so well at such a young age (she was only ten months old) and they all began to talk about what ages their children walked at.  I was about to chime in and say that one of my daughters had walked at eight months but one of my sons hadn’t until he was sixteen months but then remained silent because I had all three of my girls with me that day and I realized as I sat there listening to the conversation around me that I have no idea how old my youngest daughter was when she took her first steps.  On an intellectual level, I have always known that I don’t know this information about she or her brother, whom we adopted from Ethiopia at the ages of seven and four, but today some of the implications of that became more clear.

When they have their first child, there will be no discussion about how the baby looks so much like what they looked like as babies, no comparing baby pictures.  They will not be able to phone me with a developmental concern for their child and have me say, “well, you were a late talker so I wouldn’t worry about it”.  I am discovering that the more I get to know my amazing new children, the more I realize how much I have missed.  With them, I do not know if something they do is a quirk or a phase or a behaviour because I don’t know if it’s new or something they have always done.  With them, I do not know how they typically respond when they are scared or sick or excited.  I cannot answer the origin of how our daughter got the scar above her lip or the very noticeable one on her eyebrow.  I don’t know if a fever makes them throw up or if they get rashes from stress.  I don’t know if our son has always fallen asleep easily and quickly like he does now or if it is a response to stress.  I do not know how he survived having the measles and the chicken pox in a village in a developing country with his body already riddled with parasites or even how old he was when he got those illnesses.  I do not know what their first word was or how old they were the first time they laughed.  I do not even know how they were born or truly even when they were born.

I do know that I wish I knew these things and so much more, and that there is some loss involved in the not knowing, for me and for them.

Here are some adoption related articles that you may find helpful:





Written by pocketsofchange
mother of seven children, freelance writer

Question by boo kitty: websites to see children up for adoption?
Does anyone know of any good websites that would have pictures and discriptions of children waiting to be adopted in the U.S? Any state is fine.

Best answer:

Answer by BraxOwl
http://www.AdoptUSKids.org . Most state Department of Social Services (called various things in different states) also have a site for that specific state. The link I gave is for all US states and territories, though you can narrow it down if you wish.

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Pictures of our trip to Ukraine to adopt our daughter. We returned in March and brought Karina home on April 16th 2008. There are so many beautiful children in need. You will never be the same after experiencing these beautiful children.

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